Ya te dije que no. And I'm tired of repeating myself.
The answer is the same today as it was yesterday and last week and last month. Before you ask, I want to blurt out "no" when I see you because I know what you will ask.
No. I am not pregnant yet and each time you ask and offer a wealth of advice, it reminds me that I am failing my husband and my family.
"Oh, but you already have two kids," is the most hurtful phrase to surface from a mouth. It wouldn't matter if I had one or four, the feeling remains the same. My husband and I would like a child and I cannot carry one at this time. There is much to learn in that. To find joy in the midst of waiting is a quiet peace.
Therefore, I will allow my life to be the birth and rebirth of something extraordinary. I will allow our new garden to surround me with abundant life as I watch our pinto beans and watermelon vines crawl up our front window.
I sit in quietude, a lesson in humility. Where I take for granted that I am a woman capable of creating life inside me in the form of a child, I must notice that I create life in my home when I choose to love what I have been gifted. I am surrounded with life to remind me that it comes in all forms. God makes sure of that.
Tonight, with my boca cerrada, I sit on my porch, my legs crossed, my back against the writing dock (porch swing) and my eyes averted toward the heavens. I see the moon staring back at me; it always shows up. My perspective might be skewed by the clouds, but each and every night the moon shows up. I take a deep breath and wait.
What are you waiting for and how do you find joy in the waiting con la boca cerrada?
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| Onlookers at moon observation night. McAllister Park. Carolina Hinojosa-Cisneros, 2015 |
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